from the Chicago Tribune, 3/14/99

WORDS CAN HURT DIVORCED PARENTS' BEST INTENTIONS

By Janna L. Graber

No divorce is easy, but when Helen Shreves went through it three

years ago, she employed some techniques that she believes made the

transition smoother for the whole family. Shreves, a Denver

attorney/mediator, and her ex-husband, Rep. Ken Gordon (D-Denver),

agreed to cooperate in putting the needs of their son first.

"There were hurt and hard feelings," Shreves admits, "but we kept our

son foremost. We set up a decision-making process, so that no one was

a winner or loser. We both were still parents and had mutual

decision-making responsibilities."

That cooperative parenting effort helped to ease the passage into

life after divorce, something that is hard for many families.

"In my work (as a mediator), I've seen parents fight like crazy over

sole custody vs. joint custody," Shreves says. "Even the words were so

divisive. The word `custody' makes people think you were a bad parent

if you didn't get custody. We need to reduce the psychological

barriers of working together for the good of the child."

Shreves was so concerned about the divisive nature of the divorce

vocabulary that she began a grass-roots campaign to change it. Shreves

worked with psychiatrist Dr. Dana Cogan and attorney/mediator Joan

McWilliams to draft a bill that would change Colorado's divorce

terminology as well as make divorcing couples more aware of their

parental responsibilities.

The result of their efforts, a bill sponsored by Gordon, became

Colorado law and took effect Feb. 1. The new law not only changes

divorce terminology ("parental responsibilities" replaces "custody"),

it also requires parents to file a court-approved parenting plan as a

piece of the final separation agreement.

Other states have already expressed an interest in learning more about

Colorado's new law, which is modeled after one in Washington, and

Ohio, Vermont and Maine have made dramatic changes in divorce

terminology.

The law's goal, Cogan says, is to reduce conflict between divorcing

parents and to put the needs of the children first.

"We hope this will re-orient people, and provide them a different way

of thinking regarding their children," Cogan says. "Up to this point,

children and their needs have not been properly addressed. This law

creates a change in thinking both in the parents and the legal

profession."

McWilliams, author of the booklet "Creating Parenting Plans That Work"

(Bradford Publishing, $12.45), says that children aren't assets to be

won or lost during divorce.

"The courts and legal profession need to help parents acknowledge that

they are the ones responsible for their children," McWilliams says.

"There is a big gap between the legal system and the child who is

voiceless and invisible. Parents are still parents, even when they

divorce. They must define their parental partnership."

The best way to do that, she says, is to write up a parenting plan

that lays out each parent's responsibilities. Parents can negotiate

this themselves or use a mediator. If parents can't agree on a plan,

the court will step in and formulate one, sometimes acting on the

advice of mental-health professionals or child advocates.

A parenting plan is a living, changeable business plan for parenting,

McWilliams says. She suggests that the plan cover three main areas:

decision-making (how the parties will make decisions regarding the

child), parenting time (how and where the child will spend his or her

time) and dispute resolution (what happens when parents don't agree).

A sample plan might cover what religion the child will be brought up

in, which parent is responsible for health care, which parent is

paying for school, or how vacations are to be spent.

But McWilliams stresses one important factor of the decision-making

process: "Listen to your children. They must have an input in

structuring parenting time."

But the new Colorado law, intended to reduce conflict during divorce,

has also been criticized.

Attorney Lynne Gold-Bikin, former chair of the family law section of

the American Bar Association, thinks parenting plans should not be

mandated.

"Not every divorce calls for a parenting plan," she says. "We're

taking too much discretion away from the judges."

Gold-Bikin also wonders about judges' ability to formulate a

court-ordered parenting plan.

"I'm not sure judges are properly trained to evaluate the impact of a

parenting plan on children. Can you predict how a custody schedule

will impact kids?"

Other critics wonder how the courts can enforce such a detailed

parenting plan. But proponents are quick to point out that parenting

plans are just as enforceable as any other court order.

"You can file contempt charges," Shreves says. "You have all the legal

remedies available to you as under previous law."

McWilliams agrees.

"I think courts will stand behind these plans. If one parent isn't

living up to their responsibilities, the first step would be to

mediate, and the second step would be to take it to court."

Judith Wallerstein, an expert on the long-term impact of divorce on

children, believes that any legislation that improves terminology with

children in mind is a step in the right direction but that it is still

not enough.

"These laws are avoiding the main issue, which is helping the child

feel loved and respected by both parents," Wallerstein says. "Fighting

over the child has the opposite effect."

While Wallerstein says she is not against divorce, she calls it a

"serious crisis" for children.

"It doesn't matter what you call parenting time," she says, "it

matters what happens during that time. Parenting after divorce is much

more complicated and demands more effort. People aren't always aware

of that. Parents should go home and talk to their kids when setting up

a parenting plan. Children should be involved. Ask what they think. If

they are younger, at least tell them about your plans so they don't

feel helpless."

Wallerstein conducted a 25-year study following children after

divorce. Her findings, which illustrate the devastating effects

divorce can have on children, have sent shock waves throughout the

legal community. Wallerstein found that while divorce has long been

viewed as a time-limited adult experience, it is a life-long

cumulative experience for the child. The study showed that as the

child progresses through each developmental stage, the impact of

divorce changes and must be experienced again.

Such findings, Wallerstein believes, should be a wake-up call for the

American legal system.

"Under American law the child has no rights," she says. "There was a

(1989) United Nations charter that specifies the rights of a child,

but the United States refused to sign it. Australia signed it, and

they've used that to give children standing" during divorce.

"The major issue for plans made for children after divorce is that

there should be a built-in provision for child input as the child gets

older," Wallerstein says.

Mary Ann Mason, professor of family law at University of California at

Berkeley and author of "Custody Wars" (Basic Books, $23), agrees. She

believes that all parenting plans should have a developmentally

centered approach to child-custody arrangements.

"Parents should review their custody arrangements during the tender

years, then again at age 7 and age 12. Adolescents should have a say

in how their custody arrangement works," Mason says.

Although parenting after divorce may be difficult, it can bring about

good changes, McWilliams says.

"If you haven't done (parenting) well before, you can stop and change

that. You can write a new parenting plan.

"My suggestion is when parents separate, they make a commitment to put

their child first and to separate anger from that relationship. Then,

look at how they parented during the marriage. See what worked, what

didn't and what needs to be changed."

The most important thing to remember, McWilliams says, is that parents

can always modify their parenting arrangement, even years after the

divorce.

"Modify your separation agreement anytime, and revise what you're

doing," she says. "What was in the past is done, now start looking to

the future. Ask yourself, What is that future going to look like?"

If parents can agree on a parenting plan for their children, it will

reduce future stress, McWilliams says.

"In the end," she says, "the children will benefit."