From the Chicago Tribune, 8/3/97

First Love

In matters of romance, number one is still number one

By Janna L. Graber

Lost and found love.  Cherryl Leone, a Denver consulting manager, knows it all too well.  Leone was just 21 when she met George, 23, for the first time. “My great-aunt tricked me into meeting him,” Leone remembers. “I was horrified that I had been set up, but as soon as I actually met George, I felt an immediate connection.  We just clicked.” 

The two soon became inseparable, and dated for six years before lifestyle differences drove them apart.  “I wanted to settle down,” Leone says, “but George wasn’t ready to.  So we decided to split up.  He moved to Seattle, and I got on with my life.”

Leone tried dating others, but no one else seemed to measure up to George’s “strong and fun personality.” She began to wonder if she would ever fall in love again.

Fifteen years went by, and then Leone got a phone call out of the blue.  “George was in town to visit relatives, so we met for dinner.  It was incredible!  Neither of us had married, and we talked all night long.  It was like we were two wounded souls who had finally come back for each other.” 

When George suggested they resume their relationship, Leone hesitated, scared of getting hurt again.  But after three weeks of thinking it over, Leone decided that George was still the one for her.  The couple has been married seven years now, and says they couldn’t be happier.  “We were just meant to be together,” says Leone says.

Leone’s story of rekindled love is not unusual.  Recent findings from the Lost Love Project, an on-going study at California State University, suggest that 10 percent of the population fall in love again with someone from the past.   

So what is it that makes lost love so memorable?  And why do some people still carry a torch for a lover they haven’t seen in years? 

Sociologist Dr. Constance Ahrons, author of “The Good Divorce” (HarperPerennial, $13), believes that people “continue to yearn for someone in the past when the relationship didn’t end the way they wanted it to.”   

“Reconnecting can help provide closure to a relationship,” adds Dr. Andrea Van Steenhouse, a Denver-based psychologist and author of “A Woman’s Guide to a Simpler Life” (Harmony Books, $21).  “If it was a serious relationship that you never really closed to your satisfaction, it may force you to look for that missing piece in other relationships.  It’s hard to move on when there’s unfinished business.” 

Dr. Nancy Kalish, a psychologist and director of the Lost Love Project, agrees.  “Lost love is a highly emotional and powerful thing,” she says.  Long after a relationship ends, some people still grieve for what happened or what might have been.  Some study participants actually describe “physically aching” to be with their lost lover again.  Reconnecting with an old flame is a deliberate, assertive way of dealing with that grief and regret. 

“Few people reconnect at reunions or by chance,” says Dr. Kalish, who has become a recognized expert on rekindled loves.  “These people call or write – usually when they’re feeling good about themselves.”  While some lost lovers reconnect out of curiosity, others search to right old wrongs, or to make sense of a past relationship.  Most people, however, search in hopes of re-igniting the passion of that long ago romance. 

Rekindled romances have a high success rate.  The Lost Love Project studied over 1000 couples who had reunited after more than five years apart, and found that 72 percent turned into long-term relationships. Two-thirds resulted in marriage or engagement.    

“Returning to a past love is like returning to a former part of ourselves,” says Kalish, who has recorded the project findings in her book “Lost and Found Lovers” (William Morrow Publishing, $22).  “Often people who share a lost love share a common history, and this gives them a strong foundation together.”

That bond formed long ago may be a strong one.  The study found that the divorce rate among reunited couples was a measly 1.5 percent, suggesting that the best place to look for Mr. Right may be in the past.     

If a lost love had the incredible honor of being your first love, then reconnecting can be even more powerful.  “The first of anything is unforgettable – that includes first love,” says Van Steenhouse.  “We’re not as cynical with that initial relationship.  It’s more innocent and we’re not so protective.” 

“First love is very passionate,” says Kalish. “The majority of the first loves we studied broke up due to external circumstances, and not because of difficulties within the relationship itself.  Sometimes it was the right person at the wrong time.”

“Parents tend to dismiss young love, but they need to realize how important first loves can be.  A teenage romance should never be belittled as just puppy love,” says Kalish.  “Many of the rekindlers expressed anger at their parents for separating them from the young sweethearts they loved.” 

Young love can be strong and enduring.  Over 84 percent of the rekindled lovers were younger than 22 when they began their initial relationships.  Of these, two-thirds said it was their very first romance. 

Karla and Todd Tillapaugh were just 13 when they fell in love and were convinced that they belonged together.  When Todd broke it off a year later for reasons he can’t remember now, Karla was crushed.  The pair started dating again while they both in their early 20’s, and married soon after.  “Todd was my first love,” says Karla, “and I never stopped loving him.”   

A first love often becomes a model or standard for future relationships.  “That first relationship is never neutral.  It’s either positive or negative,” says family therapist Lynn Seiser, who is also married to his lost lover. “That relationship defines what we expect from subsequent romances.”   

For Elizabeth Howard, a California medical assistant, there was no other person who could fill the gap left by her lost lover.  Howard was 20 when she met and married Barry Rothman.  “We had a whirlwind romance,” says Howard. “But we were immature, and divorced five months after getting married.” 

Alone with the couple’s infant son, Howard tried to forget Rothman – but couldn’t.  Hoping things had changed, the two got back together and remarried a year later. When that marriage failed, Howard and Rothman split up for good – or so they thought. 

Eleven years later, Howard decided that her adolescent son needed to know his father.  She tracked Rothman down, and left a message for him to call her.  Rothman called within a day, and spent hours talking with his son and ex-wife.  The couple planned a meeting, and has been together ever since. 

“Barry’s even gotten me another ring,” Howard says.  “I know it sounds funny.  Who would marry the same person three times?”  Still, Howard believes that the years apart gave them both the maturity they needed to make their current relationship work.  “What we feel for each other is intense – like we’re not complete unless we’re together.” 

But while rekindling a past love can be wonderful, it is not without risk.  Married people should be cautious about seeing old flames, even when it seems harmless.  “You just don’t realize the hold that old love may still have over you,” Kalish says.  “Almost one-third of the reunited couples in the project were adulterous relationships.  Most of these people had been faithful spouses before they looked up their lost lover.  I’ve seen marriages completely blown out of the water by innocently reconnecting with an old flame,” warns Kalish.  

Katy Martin, who asked that her real name not be used, knows all too well the dangers of meeting up with a past love.  When her old boyfriend called out of the blue one day to tell her that a mutual friend had died, Martin, 32, innocently agreed to meet him for coffee after the funeral.  Though happily married, Martin was shocked when sparks began flying between the two of them. The resulting affair destroyed her marriage.  

Even if you’re not married, looking up a past love can have its downfalls.  “The memories you hold dear may be destroyed when you’re confronted with the present reality,” Ahrons says.  “Don’t forget that ten or fifteen years may have passed since you were with that lost lover. You’re not the same, and neither is the other person.”   

 “We tend to see the past through rose-colored glasses,” Ahrons adds.  Suddenly the boyfriend who was uncommunicative is remembered as quiet and shy.  The hot-tempered high school boy becomes passionate and intense.  If you forget why the relationship ended in the first place, you may be setting yourself up for a repeat of the last breakup. 

“Look at reconnecting as an adventure,” Van Steenhouse advises.  “Just be sure you’re realistic, and keep your expectations in line.”